Declaration of Dependence

Oh, to have my body dismantled again. I long to have the pain, the impossible task of self-care and hygiene, the sleeplessness in the night and the exhaustion in the day. I crave the necessary intrusiveness of a vast medical team, and complete uncertainty about my recovery and income. I miss the complete chaos of a hospital ward, with its relentless beeping and overwhelming heat in the summer. I miss the joy this all brings.

I am not being ironic, nor am I a masochist. These are pure and sincere thoughts I’ve had that I am only now beginning to understand. I recently commented to someone that I had more joy in those difficult times after waking from a post-accident coma than I do now. I was aware of the reason but was off track just a little. 

You see, after the fearsome motorcycle accident, I was given an inexplicable outpouring of grace by God to help me see that he loved me. I had never grasped that before. I could not get on my knees, but my heart posture was on my face with my arms were wrapped around the feet of my Saviour. Like a child, I found comfort there. 

I had testified to this experience so many times and began to understand and explain that it was all due to my forced position of surrender. There is truth in this, though this act gives me too much credit, which I’ve only realised recently. How human of me to take grace and corrupt it with personal praise. While surrender is essential for salvation, and for a closer walk with the Lord, we cannot congratulate ourselves for it. 

As I explored with a friend the difference and dissatisfaction of my current state, a new word was proposed. How was joy possible before in that dire situation? Where did this come from when I was facing possible amputations and painful limb reconstruction? It came from God himself. Credit is due. He helped me understand my need for dependence upon him. 

In the months and years following the accident, I had to trust in him to meet every need, whether it be financial, medical, physical, emotional or spiritual. God showed time after time that he would meet needs no matter what happened. Tragically, my independence grew as God’s sustaining gifts were showered upon me and life got more comfortable. 

This independence has produced a character very different to the man who loved to tell the story to anyone who asked what happened to his legs. Self-sufficiency has slowly slithered back in. By no means has God disappeared from my life, but my need for myself has grown enough to overshadow his grace and find the wonder in his Son’s love. Where is the soul that made people ask how I could rejoice in such trying times? 

Indeed, dependence has been the missing factor. It’s been slowly replaced by independence. For quite some time I had nothing to think about but the impossible task of recovery, learning to walk (three different times) and healing. Despite a loving family and support from a wide range of specialists, it was so clear (and enjoyable) that my reliance was on God alone. Only he could get me through the deep waters. Now it seems too easy to rely on my own logic and strength. 

A grievous result of this is my affections turn away from God and toward myself, as gratitude fades and love for self grows. This is quite ugly. I tried independence before the accident and left a huge path of destruction behind me, punctuated by scattered pieces of a Harley Davidson wrecked legs. And while my self-trust is much more subtle and less noticeable from the outside, it is not good. It keeps me from testifying to what God can do, what he wants to do, for his sheep who are so prone to wander. 

Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with my life. How do I spend the time I have left before I’m called home? The life that once had purpose – to recover, rehabilitate and share God’s grace – now flounders about. The joy and purpose of God was expressed in a book. It is written and captures so much more of what I’m writing about today. Yet, now it is stuck in rewrites and edits. This is clearly because of my independence. I, myself, can’t express the glory of God and enjoy him in this current state. 

It is easier to think about current world events than the Savior. I spend more time arguing with others in my head than I do actually testifying to the love of God. I waste energy worrying about losing friends that disagree with me rather than I pondering the sure love of God who looks upon those who have peace with him through our Lord Jesus Christ.

This is idolatry. No wonder that joy is suffering. 

This is the season to think once again of the crucifixion. It is the time to find joy and marvel at how our God meets us in our helpless estate and has shed his own blood for our souls. It is now that we recognise how hopeless our situation was and remember that, without Him, we can do nothing. Join me today. Oh, to grab hold of the truth that we must depend on God. For everything! We must even depend on him to change our hearts from being independent. So today, let us declare our dependence!